A sneak peek at a new comedy story.
About lustful lizards and wandering wives (18+)
As an aside, here is what I’m listening to today.
If you want to just skip to the story part, scroll until you see the word LIZARD in big bold letters.
As if my life was not already complicated enough, I decided to dress up as another author and write under his name. The new story will be launched on Amazon on valentine’s day for £1. It will be exclusive to Amazon.
It is called THESE GOD DAMNED SPACE LIZARDS STOLE MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE, and it is written by ROD GRASPER, who is not a fiction writer. No, this book is entirely true inside the universe in which Rod resides, which I made up.
I am writing it as Rod Grasper to add to the joke. This is the kind of thing I was initially going to do with Tin foil Tim and his whole parody of the alien abduction fetish, but ultimately his character went in another direction for WBTH2.
I’m happy for the algorithm to be a bit dizzy when I plug the words SCIENCE FICTION and DARK COMEDY into the keywords hole, but that’s as complicated as I’ll let it get. I’m going to use a new name for serious poetry, and Rod Grasper for the stuff that is written in this ridiculous style, but nearly everything else will be under my name.
I thought it best to emulate my more successful author friends and pretend I am multiple people, even if my fans know I am not. So I’m drawing a line between the main body of my work and this new thing because I want it to reach the right people. It’s a different style to the stuff you’re used to.
That said, I listed myself as an editor in this, thinking it would not show up on the book’s Amazon page… which it does… so my attempts to massage the algorithms have failed on this occassion. If you search for Phillip Carter, you will find Rod Grasper. No matter, Rod has a few more short stories up his sleeves. I can rectify this in the future. I can train the algorithm still.
The story is available for eBook pre-order now. It will be delivered on valentine’s day to anyone who gets it. It’s not massive, just over 6000 words, but it is funny.
Kristine Barrage was my wife. She’s some dumb lizard’s wife now. Some dumb space lizard. Imagine that. Lizards from space. Makes me sick.
So, here’s how it started.
I was born in the late 1970s. My parents named me Rod because they saw a lightning rod strike a nearby farmhouse and set it on fire. Since then I’ve had an affinity with the upper atmosphere, with space, with those vast cosmic forces we can barely comprehend, never mind control or harvest. I gave myself the surname Grasper because I would like to grasp rods. I want to grasp long hot rods, which has been a source of some contention with my wife Kristine. But that isn’t why she left. She left because some stupid, muscular, handsome space lizard stole her out from on top of me. They swiped her. They must have probed her brain or something because there’s no way she’d leave me for them unless they manipulated her. So, I’m going to get her back tonight. But right now, let’s cover how it happened.
We’d just got done having amazing sex when Kris turned to me and said, “You know, your skin would look nicer if it was green.”
I didn’t think much of this at first, but when I saw she had bought me a dinosaur costume for valentine’s day, I began asking questions. Here’s a list of the top five.
1. Why do you want to shag Godzilla?
2. Did you buy the probe-beam separately?
3. This is a bit tight around my thighs.
4. I know that wasn’t a question honey.
5. Can I have a glass of water please, it’s hot in this.
My darling wife Kristine, who is a tall, slender woman with dark hair and piercing eyes, pouted at me with her lips. Lizard men from space don’t have lips by the way, so I’ve no idea how they are compatible.
“You’re just so cold-blooded,” she said to me. “It’s like you’re not interested in me anymore, I thought we’d spice things up by dressing up.”
“But you’re not dressed up,” I said, my voice muffled by the incredibly thick latex dinosaur outfit.
“I’m the only one dressed up.”
“I know, honey,” she said, as if that important fact was some inane thing an idiot had said to her.
So that’s the excerpt. The full story comes out on the 14th Feb, thanks for reading!