BREAKING: Lana Del Rey's lyrics to be changed to "I will love you til the end of time, probably about three weeks"

thanks to rising anxiety about the apocalypse

BREAKING: Lana Del Rey's lyrics to be changed to "I will love you til the end of time, probably about three weeks" to be more accurate with scientist's doomsday predictions.

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Lana Del Rey was interviewed this week and gave us a shocking new revelation. She is changing her lyrics in the song Blue Jeans from “one million years” to “about three weeks” thanks to advice from leading scientists.

Interview by Tin Foil Tim.

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“I used to think the end of time was a million years away,” Lana said.

LDR: Of course my good friend and fellow musical artist Brian Cox said I was wrong in that, but I held my belief because it rhymed. I find there’s a lot of truth in things that rhyme. The songs sell better too.

TFT: Is that just not because they are easier to remember?

LDR: It might be, but making things rhyme and make sense is an art. You can bury a lot of meaning in a song with a well-placed rhyme, and it comes out on the second or third listen. It’s like poetry, the good stuff anyway.

TFT: That’s why I bought your last album thrice.

LDR: You know you can play the CD’s again?

TFT: What?

LDR: *under her breath* Never mind, two more sales can’t hurt.

TFT: Anyway, so who told you the world was ending in three weeks?

LDR: Numerous friends in the science community. There are a lot of factors at play. Climate change, economic instability, war, and you know, all those come together to make for a pretty fragile planet. I just thought it was about time I make my songs more accurate to emerging doomsday predictions.

TFT: And why is that?

LDR: I just didn’t think the songs were sad enough. ‘Probably a million years’ is a hopeful lyric in an otherwise dark song. Back when I released Blue Jeans it was one of my darkest songs. Now it’s an upbeat power ballad compared to what the TV keeps vomiting into people’s brains.

TFT: So you want to keep the songs in their original tone, and have to keep up with the world’s mood to do that?

LDR: Yeah. My next album “OH GOD THERE ARE ROBOTS STEALING MY EYEBALLS” is a chilled out album that stoners can appreciate now, and will still be able to appreciate in a few weeks when Skynet becomes sentient.

TFT: You’re ahead of the curve.

LDR: Oh there isn’t a curve. The Earth is flat Tim. My producer showed me the edge. Do you know what’s over the edge?

TFT: Another Earth?

LDR: A post-apocalyptic hellscape, a time-warp that shows you the future. There’s a tiny island there surrounded with polluted water. All the fish are dying, and the people are confused by politicians who swap sides every five minutes. Their transport infrastructure is dated, crammed with businessmen so miserable that killing them would be the kind thing to do. They also have really bad reality TV. It’s such a small island, you can’t drive anywhere without falling into the water, which as I mentioned was filled with excrement.

TFT: Did your producer take you to this post-apoc hellscape in a jet?

LDR: Yes, why?

TFT: He flew you to Britain. You just described Britain.

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It is important to note that at this point in the interview, Tin foil Tim lost track of the questions and went off on a doomsday tangent, as he always does. We’re not sure why we keep paying him, but we suppose it’s better than him posting some video rant about us being lizard people to his Youtube channel, which inexplicably is so popular it influences election results.

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TFT: You know I met a guy on holiday you might like. He was a soul-scientist, an astral-astronaut, a ghost-grabber.

LDR: Really?

TFT: Yeah. He talked to me about the end of the world. He’s no scientist, but he does know more than any scientist alive today

¹

, because he can speak to dead ones.

LDR: And did he charge you for this conversation?

TFT: No, but he did have a peculiar name.

LDR: And what was that?

TFT: Ebaai

LDR: eBay?

TFT: Yeah, pronounced like that. I signed a few of your first-ed vinyls for him.

LDR: You just carry those around?

TFT: Of course. I’m your biggest fan.

LDR: Thanks Tim. And why is the world ending, according to him?

TFT: Well he’s a very powerful mystic. He didn’t explain it in terms that could be easily laid out in this interview, but he did invite me to a seminar. He told me about how money is energy, and how a lot of it needs to flow through him so he can get the magic crystals he uses to see the future.

LDR: I think you need to get talking to my scientist friends.

We later got to speak to Brian Cox, who assured us the universe was not in fact ending soon, and that we did not need to sign up to Ebaai’s ghostly guru spirit slapping entity eviscerating spirit seminars.

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TFT: Do you have any thoughts about your friend Lana’s recent lyrical corrections?

BC: The universe is huge and beautiful, and it will actually end in trillions of years with the ‘heat death’ of reality. Not in mere weeks, which is a blink of an eye. It is a blink even if seen from a bigger eye that is blinking itself. And up there there is a bigger eye blinking. That’s how blinky the whole thing is.

TFT: Fascinating. So how long is time, exactly?

BC: Three weeks is nothing in the grand scale of time and space. Imagine how short a fly’s life is to us, then imagine flies have smaller, more delicious flies that have proportionately smaller lives. These small flies lives are small fry to the lives of flies that with no surprise get smaller as we delve deep and find more flies. Are there any flies in this building?

TFT: You’re not the real Brian Cox are you?

BC: No, I’m a frog.

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The bit after the end

The Cosmic Cock of News is my personal satirical newspaper, but that doesn’t mean it exists in a vacuum. I have been working secretly with six other writers to put a new (free) eBook together. Here’s a teaser.

Spot any names you recognise?

The bit after the bit after the end where the actual end is nearer

Despite first performing in 2015, I feel I’m only just beginning my career as a comedian. It feels like a very natural extension to my writing. My initial marketing plan for Who Built The Humans? included reading the comedy stories on stage, allowing the audience to pick which one to read next. I managed this once at an open mic before realising there are very few places willing to let a new performer read from a book for half an hour…

Up until recently I tried (but didn’t really want) to be a comedian and author separately. This was part of a psychological hangover from academia, where I felt I had to settle down and be one thing in order to be successful. Now I know that was nonsense, I’m a lot more free to write what I want to write.

You all helped make that realisation possible.

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This subletter is now a built-in part of THE WEIRD WORLDS OF PHILLIP CARTER because I no longer see being an author and being a comedian as separate things. I am an entertainer, and I hope this post was entertaining.

Let there be more serious, and more silly, in the future.

1. This line is a tip of the hat to one of my favourite comedy characters, Douglas Reynholm.